Tuesday, November 22, 2005

So I'm going through my cereal cupboard...

...when it suddenly occurs to me: How many boxes of Corn Pops is too many boxes of Corn Pops?

Does that sound like a Socratic-style philosophical question to anyone else?

Regardless, I think we can all agree that the answer is obviously... 3. Yes, 3 boxes of Corn Pops are clearly too many boxes.

Naturally, 3 is precisely the number of boxes of Corn Pops currently taking up residence in my cereal cupboard. One is half empty (or half full, if you're one of those dewy-eyed asshole optimists) and the others are unopened and as fresh as only a store-bought breakfast cereal can be. Now, I love me some sugartastic Corn Pops as much as the next man, but clearly I am facing the rare dilemma of Corn Pops overload.

The following is a proven mathematical equation defining the correlation of my yearning for a specific brand of cereal and the length of said yearning, where M is me, c is the brand of cereal, and w is the span of exactly one week:

M + c = w

The only exception to this rule is if the cereal in question is regular Cap'n Crunch, in which case the equation becomes M + c = 2w. But only if it's regular. Peanut butter-flavored Crunch can go straight to fucking hell. It is also important to note that if you eat Cap'n Crunch too quickly, the jagged texture of the Crunch Biscuits(TM) will royally scratch up of the roof of your mouth. For more information on the background of the Cap'n and his deadly nuggets of pastel-colored wholesomeness, please visit http://www.capncrunch.com.

Back to the topic at hand...

I got a taste for Corn Pops a month or so ago, and the wife obliged my craving with a brand new, bright yellow box of the stuff. Well, by the following week, my craving had begun to subside --as anyone familiar with the Matthew cereal formula could have easily predicted-- and I gradually fell behind in my Corn Pops consumption. My Pops ennui corresponded directly with my increased appetite for Cap'n Crunch and soon that salty admiral's breakfast of choice was appearing and disappearing from my cereal shelf with regularity, whilst its chief rival sat untouched, unloved, and un-turned-into-dietary-sustenance-and,-in-turn,-waste-product.

TANGENT ALERT! Does anyone out there remember that heaven-sent slice of ambrosia known to the breakfast cereal community as Apple Raisin Crisp? It came in a biege box with lettering that looked like some needlework crap your grandmother would have churned out in five minutes flat. This folksy appearance gave the entire affair a harmless, down-home, rustic, non-communist flavor. The foodstuff itself was truly a work of the gods, however. And it wasn't anything especially innovative, either. Just apple bits, and raisins, and crisp (i.e. corn flakes). It was delicious, it was straightforward, and, beat me with the business end of a donkey, it was good for you! So what did the corporate bigwigs at Apple Raisin Crisp's mother company decide to do with this nutritious, deliriously tasty, unquestionably American cereal? That's right: the same thing they do with anything perfect. They discontinued it. Yes, you guessed it; those cigar-chomping, Lexus-humping, minority-fearing gated community whores took God's personal gift to humanity off the market. Permanently. I believe these same big business cockknockers also had something to do with the disappearance of that glorious symbol of the Golden Age, the vanilla-flavored JELL-O Pudding Pop (I'm talking about a pack of 12 straight, uninterrupted vanilla popsicles. None of this "multiple flavors" shit. Choices are for the weak). END TANGENT

So now I'm stuck with 3 boxes of Corn Pops and 1 box of Cap'n Crunch. And, sad to say, my brief fixation with the Cap'n is waning quickly. I recently completed an obsession with Cookie Crisp, so it may now be time to turn my attention to everyone's favorite anemic, homosexual vampire, Count Chocula. Meanwhile, I am seriously considering selling my unused boxes of Corn Pops on eBay as a value pack. Or in a Dutch auction. Yeah, definitely a Dutch auction...

In closing, the Packers suck.

CURRENT MOOD: [Not available]



Blogger The Fourth Earl of Excelor said...

I am still angry about the discontinuation of S'mores cereal. You can never go wrong with a marshmallow to graham cracker ratio of 10:1.

12:13 PM  
Blogger Chuckles O'Plenty said...

I did not know that they stopped making S'mores.

Thank you for ruining the remainder of my week. Happy Turkey Day!

3:36 PM  
Blogger Lloyd said...

Referenced at:

11:47 AM  
Blogger hucklebuck said...

I think S'mores made a comeback, but the new version will make you drop to the fetal position halfway through the first bowl from the atomic gut rot that ensues. And if you eat the whole box because you're trying to prove a point or something, you are guaranteed nine cavaties, no questions asked.

12:11 PM  
Anonymous Stefan said...

Good Job! :)

5:03 AM  
Blogger Noncentz said...

Apple Raisin Crisp. My favorite cereal of all time. No one remembers it except for my taste buds. I've had a Trader Joe's version but it just doesn't measure up, perhaps because I can tell it's all healthy and stuff.

I miss you ARC.

12:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apple raisin Crisp was awesome cereal indeed. It just came to my mind as I ate some other crappy cereal with apples...."whatever happened to..." See you at another random crossroads.

11:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too long for the days of Apple Raisin Crisp. Best.Cereal.Ever.

1:52 PM  

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