Monday, December 12, 2005

So I received some very good news last week...

...but no one reads this damn thing for positive information, so I've decided to use this particular entry to tear apart several movies just out in theatres that I have absolutely no intention of ever seeing.

Until they're on video and I'm really bored.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "How can anyone roundly condemn a movie based solely on a handful of brief, noisy, confusing trailers?" Simple. Because this is America, you pinko pussbag. And just for reference, the following is an inclusive list of the number of subjects I am unapologetically close-minded about:

> Everything

So, on with the baseless reviews!

1.) Syriana

> The plot as far as I can tell from the trailers: Overrated walking log George Clooney is pissed off at the Republicans again, so here we are.

>Why it will suck: Here are a few of the revolutionary concepts I imagine the Syriana moviegoer can expect to be battered relentlessly about the head and neck with ... George W. Bush is evil. Republicans like oil. War is bad. War over oil is bad. Republicans are bad. Oil is found in the desert.

Okay, now all politics aside, are these really fresh, groundbreaking ideas to toss around and/or bitch about? I mean, really? Didn't I hear all this shit already when I didn't see Fahrenheit 9/11? And the end result of all this heavyhanded preaching? That's right; the conservatives will whine that it's unfair to their Messiah, er, Bush, and the liberals will head to the bathroom and fondle themselves, content in the knowledge that someone in Hollywood has finally made a movie for their side. Again.

>Why it may not be a complete bust: I saw Christopher Plummer's name in the credits, and that man can do no wrong (please consult his flawless performance as Mike Wallace in The Insider for reference). Also, a car blows up.

2.) Memoirs of a Geisha

>The plot as far as I can tell from the trailers: Something unfortunate happens to a girl in China. At least, I think it's China. No, wait! Japan. It's Japan.

>Why it will suck: I believe the book this film is based on was one of Oprah's 58,752 "My Absolute Favorite Book of the Millenium!" titles. There exists no better reason to revile a movie.

Also, a note to the lead character: Uh, what is the problem here, sister? Your life sucks? Hey, welcome to the human race, pint-size. Enjoy your stay. It's non-stop suckage all the time on this planet -- for everyone. Hoist your cross and get in line, 'cause you ain't alone in the eternal misery game, sunshine.

>Why it may not be a complete bust: Ass-kicking cutie Ziyi Zhang as a geisha? This movie sounds promising at its most basic level.

3.) Aeon Flux

>The plot as far as I can tell from the trailers: An impossibly sexy assassin/spy/agent/underwear model is betrayed by "them" and left for dead. So guess what? Yep. Payback time. Also, I believe a fly gets stuck in someone's eye.

>Why it will suck:
Charlize Theron with blonde hair = Gorgeous
Charlize Theron with a dark boy-cut = No thank you

I refuse to pay money to see any film pretentious enough to place an "a" before the word "eon." If you insist on doing this, I will insist on pronouncing it phonetically.

And can somebody please, please make it a federal crime to use the words "They betrayed him/her and left him/her for dead..." in a movie trailer? Seriously, who doesn't roll their eyes whenever this painful cliche is uttered in a sonorous monotone in yet another thriller preview? Whoever "they" are, by the way, needs to start aiming for the head. I'm sick of this "well, I nicked her in the left shoulder, but I'm sure the wound will become septic and she'll die eventually, so enough about that, on with my evil plan!" shit. Come on, you cheap megalomaniac bastard, a couple rounds in the cranium will ensure that neither of us has to sit through another movie like this.

Oh, and does anyone remember the boring MTV animated shorts from waaaaaaaaaaaaay back when that this film is apparently based off of? Yeah, neither do I.

>Why it may not be a complete bust: Still, Charlize Theron in a skintight leather outfit is Charlize Theron in a skintight leather outfit. Thumbs up as well to the novel concept of razor sharp grass capable of shredding your face into a flesh ribbon pie.

4.) Rent

>The plot as far as I can tell from the trailers: A group of eight dirty New York Bohemians with an affinity for scarves spends a year of their life singing, dying, or both.

>Why it will suck: I heard this movie touted as "the musical that defined a generation" and I just felt I had to weigh in on the issue. First of all, any generation that requires a musical to define it needs to be wiped from the annals of time. Permanently. Which, if this film's boast is true, puts me in a bit of a bind...

Secondly, having grown up circa this musical's generation, I can safely assume that very little in it accurately reflects my white, middle-class, Midwestern, non-heroin-shooting upbringing. After all, I don't recall having a transvetite friend who walked around dressed as Santa Claus. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to list the eight cornfed Wisconsin suburbanites who defined a generation as I know it:

BILLY: Greetings, earthlings. I'm the the nerdy, gaming freak roommate who won't leave my computer for any reason whatsoever, least of all hygienic concerns.

JAKE: Hey man, I'm the rich asshole jock whose Daddy owns the local car dealership/supermarket/Denny's and feels this somehow entitles me to do and say as I please.

BETHANY: Hi, hi, hi! I'm the excitable optimist who can't seem to shut the fuck up! I'm so happy, all of the time, I could just give the world a big, old hug and -- Wait a minute. I can't find my Hello Kitty keychain. My sister gave me that keychain! I HATE THE WORLD! I WISH I WAS DEAD! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

JOAN: Oh, hi there. I'm the wispy wallflower or loudmouth tomboy next door who's secretly longed for you since we were children but is content being just "one of the guys." You'll often see me portrayed in a WB teen soap, though I'm nowhere near that hot in real life.

ANDY: I don't do greetings. I'm the bored, too-cool-for-school beatnik wannabe who conforms to non-comformity but blows my credibility straight to hell as soon as I drive to Hot Topic in my mom's SUV.

DICK: Hey, fellas, what's up? I'm that guy who's so pathetic that I make even you look cool by comparison! I'll follow you around like I'm part of your group and laugh at jokes I don't get. I'll even feign interest in whatever it is you like in a vain attempt to fit in. I'm so terribly lonely...

MISSY: Hi there. I'm the self-righteous, uber-religious hypocrite who turns into a complete slut once I knock back two Zimas.

ALAN: Hello. I come from the picture-perfect nuclear family, I love my parents, I have lots of friends, I got straight-A's throughout school, I'm an award-winning athlete, I have a beautiful girlfriend, and I am currently attending a prestigious university out of state. In several years, you'll read about me in the paper as a convicted serial killer/embezzler/sex offender/tax evader/animal abuser/white supremacist/pedophile/successful attorney.

So, there you have it. The cast of my generation.

Hmm. Musical or not, maybe my generation could use a little mass genocide...

>Why it may not be a complete bust: The luscious Rosario Dawson as a stripper should be enough to greenlight any movie. So why spoil it with a bunch of songs about sad, dying people?

5.) The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

>The plot as far as I can tell from the trailers: There's a lion. And a witch. I believe a wardrobe also factors into things at one point. Beyond that, I have no fucking idea.

>Why it will suck: Believe it or not, I have some original stills and accompanying commetary taken from a press junket featuring the three stars of TLTWATW. For your viewing pleasure, here they are:

"I'm the Lion, the most overused and unoriginal symbol of nobility, strength, and pride that you'll ever come across. Believe it or not, I don't even seem to be the hero of my own movie! That honor goes to a quartet of pasty, unattractive English tykes."


"I'm the Witch. I'm evil and cruel and have no motivation whatsoever for my unrepetant villainy ... unlike every other witch represented in the history of literature and the cinema. Oh! And I have a crown (I think) instead of a pointy hat. Also, I believe a renowned, corpse-like British actress will portray me. An English person cast as the bad guy ... another theatrical first!"


"I'm the Wardrobe. Even though I'm a standard, commonplace piece of furniture that can be found in millions of homes around the globe, the producers will still see fit to present me as a CGI effect. Come inside, children, and visit a breathtaking, magical, mystical world in which foxes are referred to as 'Mr. Fox' and beavers as 'Mr. Beaver.' That's right, kids! In the wondrous land of Narnia, we don't even have imagination enough to come up with original names for all of our inhabitants! And what could be grander than a movie with the name of a bulky, cumbersome, completely immobile glorified set decoration in its title?"


I swear, if one more person refers to C.S. Lewis's novel as an allegory of the Christ story, I'm seriously going to start jabbing at people's eyes with hot pokers. Yes, we know it's a fucking allegory of the Christ story. Every story ever written is a fucking allegory of the Christ story. Christ, the original Christ story is a fucking allegory of the Christ story!

>Why it may not be a complete bust: I believe I saw a rhinoceros in the preview. And the minotaur looks pretty kickass.

So, there you have it. Five movies now out in theatres that I have chosen to hate based purely on the trailers alone. I am truly growing as an individual.

In closing, no, I will not tell you what the good news was.

CURRENT MOOD: Sick of looking at your ugly face.

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Blogger srchngformystry said...

you are hilarious, and now im a diehard fan. i grew up in chicago but currently reside in hell ay california. i hate this place of dirty idiots (and im not only talking hygiene). i long for the midwest, the simplicity of those who keep their words, and who were plaid shirts during winter time. i miss chicago.

8:05 PM  
Blogger srchngformystry said...

ooppsss...i meant "wear". sorry...

8:06 PM  
Blogger Chuckles O'Plenty said...

Don't worry. I never mock the grammar of anyone willing to call me hilarious.

I am a Wisconsinite raised by Chicago parents, so you are welcome in my home, if not my state, at any time.

Thanks for putting my fanbase over the 3 mark,

8:15 PM  
Blogger Patelicious said...

I can't believe you left out Brokeback Mountain. Seems like a gay Legends of the Fall to me. And no, I'm not knocking the homosexuality, I'm knocking Legends of the Fall.

4:02 PM  
Blogger Chuckles O'Plenty said...

I have seen absolutely zero previews heralding this "Brokeback Mountain" but holy crap, you gotta love that title.

It's interesting to note that even after all these years, hearing the words 'legends,' 'of,' 'the,' and 'fall' in consecutive order still triggers my gag reflex.

7:35 PM  
Blogger Behnnie said...

my gay boss saw "brokeback mountain" and said it was "actually good." we'll see...

i used to watch aeoeaoan flux while baby-sitting in junior high when the host house had cable. the costumes in the movie (which i saw) are so tame in comparison that they're almost unrecognizable.

and the rhinoceros was, in fact, quite cool.

10:36 PM  

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