Thursday, December 01, 2005

So I was watching "War of the Worlds" and I realized that Dakota Fanning is far more frightening than...

...any invading alien species could possibly hope to be. Okay, look, I'm not going to handle this issue with kids' gloves, so to speak. This is a pretty blunt piece with some harsh criticism of a minor I find to be annoying in a major way, so if you can't handle that, you best return to the Land of Frosted-Covered Rainbows and Cherry-Flavored Unicorns. Whatever the hell that means.

Okay, so the wife and I are watching that overrated publicity nightmare, Tom "I'm not gay, really! Look! I knocked up that chick from Dawson's Creek!" Cruise, and the equally overrated and overexposed bad seed, Dakota "I'm speaking lines that would sound more appropriate coming from a 40-year-old woman, therefore I most be a mega-talent" Fanning, in Steven Spielberg's ode to pointless remakes, War of the Worlds. For those of you looking to see the movie in the hope of witnessing a compelling interplanetary showdown, you're obviously an idiot. After all, why would a top-tier director settle for making a fun and exciting film about aliens and spaceships when instead they could relate a dreary, go-nowhere personal saga about a crotchety dock worker and his unattractive offspring?

Oh, and his ex-wife is ugly, too.

Yes, Tom Cruise plays Tom Cruise-as-crotchety-dock-worker in a role that will no doubt have legions of shallow women screaming, "Eeek! It's Tom Cruise!" Dakota Fanning plays the part of his supposedly cute and implausibly mature daughter. For those of you who don't know who the hell Dakota Fanning is, you may recall her from her other groundbreaking performances, such as:

"Supposedly cute and implausibly mature daughter" in Uptown Girls (with Brittany Murphy)
"Supposedly cute and implausibly mature daughter" in Man on Fire (with Denzel Washington)
"Supposedly cute and implausibly mature daughter" in Hide and Seek (with Robert De Niro)

I say supposedly cute because for the life of me I simply can't see what makes this girl adorable to the general public. In fact, I had a difficult time throughout WotW distinguishing Miss Fanning from her alien tormentors. To illustrate my point, her is a picture of an alien, taken from the files of the infamous Project Blue Book, the United States Air Force's unsuccessful investigation into the possible threat of UFO's:

Now, for comparison, here is a picture of actress Dakota Fanning (which, interestingly enough, was also taken from the files of Project Blue Book):

Cruel? Perhaps. Enlightening? You betcha. In fact, I was waiting for the moment when the hordes of alien invaders would turn to Miss Fanning, awaiting further instructions from their monstrous leader. That, or run screaming in abject horror back to their, er, non-flight-capable, oddly-unsterilized tripod...thingeys.

Well, the aliens do neither. Instead they go about vaporizing certain people (which is cool) and harvesting the blood of others (also cool). How they differentiate between which humans are destined for dusting and which for cropping is never made clear. Nor is the weird, artery-like tributaries they seem to leave behind everywhere they go. Oh, but the following rather surprising fact is worth noting: although alien lasers will make short work of your flesh and innards, rest assured that your clothing is, apparently, laser-proof. Yes, that's right; after you have been turned into so many microscopic dust motes, your clothing will flutter poetically and ominously back down to earth, completely unharmed. I guess this serves as a visual warning to other humans in the vicinity. You know, those who failed to notice the five-story alien machines walking through the neighborhood and destroying it.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Bitching. Anyway, the screenwriters have also seen fit to include an aspect to Miss Fanning's character that will instantly endear her to the audience: she's a screamer. And not just any screamer; no, she's a high-pitched, long-lasting, shrieky screamer. While driving away from the carnage in a stolen van (which one ill-fated character refers to as a truck for no explored reason), we bear witness to the little shit's first screeching fit. Now, if you happened to miss this charming bit, there are two reasons why you need not beat yourself up over it:

1.) It is unfathomably annoying.
2.) She does this throughout the entire film.

Tim Robbins makes a welcome appearance as a babbling, bloodthirsty looney, but he makes Cruise and Fanning look even duller in comparison (no great feat, granted), so they settle his hash in short order. Oh, and Cruise's character also has a son who desperately wants to go back towards the man-mangling E.T.'s. You will quickly begin to wonder why Cruise wants to prevent him from doing this. Seems like a natural selection moment to me.

By the way, don't get too involved with the "How will they ever stop those dreadful aliens?" subplot. This is more of a "How will they ever get to grandma and grandpa's house?" type storyline. Seriously. Really. I'm not kidding. This movie honestly should have been titled I'm Taking You to Grandma's House via the Circuitous Route and We Might Chance to See Some Floating Clothing Along the Way.

How do they stop the aliens in the end, you ask naively? Well, far be it for me to spoil the ending, but let's just say that should you ever happen upon an unfriendly member of a hyperintelligent species from another planet, ... sneeze on the son a bitch.

In closing, both Dakota Fanning and Tom Cruise are very short.

CURRENT MOOD: Thinking about going to the bathroom.

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Blogger The Fourth Earl of Excelor said...

Did Tim Robbins play the creepy guy like in High Fidelity or did he play the brooding champion of Shawshank Redemption? Say what you will about Tim Robbins, at least he isn't a one trick pony like that asshole Vince Vaughn.

7:30 PM  
Blogger Behnnie said...

finally something we agree on: this movie truly was trash.

i think it's time for you and wifey to have some children of your own-- for comparison's sake. and may they be blessed (or cursed) with the looks and crooks of fanning, and may you squander the child's wealth uninterupted by media driven unions.

i read your harry potter review aloud to friends of mine who adored the movie- they now read your blog. it's knowing imbeciles like you that make kids like me popular. sick, isn't it?

12:10 AM  
Blogger Chuckles O'Plenty said...

Nellie! It's awesome to hear from you! Well, not so much "awesome" as "mildly notable for nostalgiac purposes only."

Clark and Rosie say hi. If you're in town any time soon, PLEASE email me and we can have a mini-RfM reunion.

I see that this comment is doing little to further the embittered cynical reputation both of my readers worship me for. Therefore, I must go.

7:24 AM  
Anonymous pharial said...

your good

10:59 PM  
Blogger Chuckles O'Plenty said...

Thank you, pharial.

However, I believe you misspelled both "you're" and "God."

2:23 AM  

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