Friday, May 05, 2006

So I was on my way to work yesterday, flipping from one mindlessly jabbering deejay to another...

... when I accidentally stopped on a news report. And just before I switched the station in time to catch the end of yet another colorless, interchangeable love song by Kelly Clarkson (at least, I think it was Kelly Clarkson. It might have been ... well, any vapid white girl between the ages of 16 and 25, really), I thought to myself:

"Maybe you should be listening to the news, Matthew, you sexy beast, you. Maybe you should be learning about the world you unwillingly occupy and the events going on around you. Maybe you should be writing blog entries that have something deep and pertinent and powerful to say about the planet Earth and its tenuous grasp on Order and Sanity rather than articles about your least favorite Autobots. Maybe you should start paying more attention to the road. You almost sideswiped that Neon, assnugget."

As you can see, I am also quite a dick to myself. That should serve as some small consolation to my detractors out there. You ugly, ugly bastards.

So ... The Cynical Idealist will now crack open one each of his most and least favorite items: a beer and a newspaper, respectively. [Editor's Note: For "newspaper," please read "Yahoo.com's 'In the News' sidebar on the frontpage of their website."]

Let's see what we have here... What's going on on the surface of this tepid planet, the layout of which is almost entirely conducive to the lifestyle of oceanic lifeforms though its dominant species is strictly terrestrial and cannot even consume marine water for sustenance? Ah, here we are. This seems fresh and compelling...

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BUSH DOES / SAYS / THINKS SOMETHING STUPID. PEOPLE MAD AT HIM.

Wow. Fascinating. It seems that the majority of the population of the United States thinks our president is a Grade-A wiener and wants him reprimanded/punished/demoted/impeached/exiled/
assassinated/deloused/run over/to be a Democrat. Apparently, he is a poor public speaker; refuses to admit when he's clearly in the wrong; guilty of rampant, shameless cronyism; and a bit of a theocratic despot, actually.

See? Now this is exactly what I'm talking about. If I hadn't read this in a newspaper, or *ahem* an onlinenewspaperwithavisuallyinvitingfrontpage, I would never have known that a very vocal segment of the population actively dislikes a prominent member of the opposing political party! This is just -- just -- it blows my mind. Seriously. I mean, Democrats are highly critical of Republicans??? Amazing. Just amazing. Oh, and this is the real kicker: Apparently, the opposite is also true! Do you know what this means? It means that whenever a given party is in power, at least half of the nation will be pissed about it! Has anyone ever considered this before? You know, it's a good thing I've started reading the news. The world could use a no-nonsense straightshooter like myself to cut through whatever it is that needs cutting through.

In any case, Bush is evidently not only dumb but a descendant of Adolf Hitler as well. Actually, I have only inferred this from the comments made by countless naysayers comparing his presidency to that of the former Nazi regime of Germany. And I have to believe whatever an ideologue tells me because, after all, I strongly believe that the people of this world are far too intelligent and rational to toss around accusatory, vitriolic buzzwords like "fascist" and "communist" without perfectly good reason.

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MINORITIES WILDLY UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING. DEMAND MORE RIGHTS / MONEY/ LIBERAL GUILT / WORK VISAS / "GET-OUT-OF-WORK" VISAS / THINGS TO BITCH ABOUT / NIGHTSTICKS MADE OF NERF.

Hmm, it appears there are protests and boycotts and marches and riots planned as a response to something The Man did or said or didn't say or do. That The Man! Grrr! He's so rich and male and Protestant and Caucasian and Republican and above the age of 30 and in a position of authority of some sort! I'd like to settle his hash for some reason or other!

Of course, I'm sure being a white, adult male with only marginal feelings of requisite liberal guilt probably doesn't exactly endear me to the rapidly-growing number of apparently oppressed American citizens. And these include, let's see ... women (who, uh, technically outnumber us men, as far as those tricky statistics go), blacks, Hispanics, Asians, Native Americans, gays, lesbians, aethists, Jews, Catholics (insofar as the fundies assure us that they are not really Christians, the fact that Catholics worship Christ notwithstanding), the elderly, the physically-handicapped, the mentally-handicapped, the sanity-handicapped, the French, the self-congratulatory turds who refuse to shop at Wal-Mart, and fans of the TV show Reba. Now, if I've left anyone out, and I'm sure I have, please mount a strident, ineffectual letter-writing campaign against this blog. And be sure to start a petition to have it taken down. Really, nothing is more effective than signing an online petition.

I wish I was oppressed too so I had more things to bitch about. Not that running out of things to bitch about is an especially pressing concern of mine. Anyway, I'm getting off track here. The point is, The Man is up to no good -- again -- and those put-upon masses without a voice are finally demanding to be heard -- again. I think that's very interesting. How odd that the people claiming to have no voice are the loudest goddamned group of people I've ever heard. I hope they complain loudly, frequently, and without pause, because that's never irritating and always elicits the sympathy of impartial bystanders.

And what's all this about The Man's police force being unnecessarily brutal and undisciplined? I have no doubt that our devoted policemen, no matter how similar to the Neanderthal their methods and facial features may be, would never dream of abusing their power! I mean, come on, if you wanted to vent your pent-up sexist, racist, homophobic, macho rage to compensate for your flaccid penis and haunting lack of self-worth, I'm sure there are far more appropriate outlets than a career in law enforcement. Aren't there? Well, there would have to be, otherwise those unchecked, glorified schoolyard bullies would be roaming the streets, beating civilians senseless and hiding their transgressions behind an ancient code of 'Boys' Club' silence, not unlike the criminals they're meant to safeguard us from.

But I refuse to believe the very people assigned to protect and serve our society would resort to such cowardly, hypocritical tactics in order to control us through fear and intimidation and merciless skull-crackings.

I'm also seriously considering joining the Flat Earth Society.

What else do we have.... Ah, here we go...

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GAS PRICES ARE OUTRAGEOUS. CONSUMERS ARE OUTRAGED. In an unrelated story without any shred of irony, SUV'S CONTINUE TO FLY OFF CAR LOTS.

People are upset about the skyrocketing price of gasoline??? Oh my God, I'm upset about the skyrocketing price of gasoline! I love the news. It shows me that I'm grumbling the exact same entirely predictable complaints as millions of other automatons across this great nation. It also gives us an opportunity to gripe about our unfortunate situation without the messy responsibility of actually doing anything about it.

But I am going to do something about it! The next time I see a gas station clerk with absolutely zero control over gas prices, I'm going to piss and moan at him about what it costs me to fill up my tank! That'll show those nasty old oil companies! Taking my frustration out on their most insignificant, powerless, and innocent employee is a surefire way to see that my voice is heard! And I won't have to change my driving, oil-consuming, or Hummer 2-purchasing habits one bit! Let's hear it for democracy and capitalism and monopolies and lobbyists and irresponsible consumerism! Down with gas prices! Up with things that require gas to operate!

No, I am not a communist. Stop that.

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SOMEONE GOT KICKED OFF OF A REALITY SHOW. SOMEONE FROM SOME MOVIE HAD A BABY WITH A WEIRD NAME. SOMEONE FROM SOME MUSICAL GROUP GOT MARRIED / DIVORCED / REMARRIED / REDIVORCED / OUTTED. COUCH POTATOES WITH NO CONCRETE REASON TO EXIST ARE SPELLBOUND.

Thank God, the gods, the goddesses, or no one that our world has been blessed with celebrities from the fields of film, television, athletics, music, and 'society' (i.e. spoiled, vacuous rich bitches with no discernable talent in any of the aforementioned, or even non-mentioned, fields). When our cares become too much to bear, when the price of living grows increasingly difficult to keep up with, when little Jimmy dies suddenly in a tragic box turtle-related incident, it is comforting to know that out there, somewhere, is an obscenely wealthy dilettante wearing an engagement ring the size of a large songbird.

Really. Think about it. If there was no Oprah, who would tell us to read books about menopausal women? If there was no Tom Cruise, who would think to explore the exciting, expensive world of scientology? If there was no Paris Hilton, who would inform us of what was 'hot,' or, by her studied silence, what was comparatively 'not?' If there were no A-List celebrity liberals, who would crusade against those greedy Republicans while living like pampered royalty themselves, thus teaching us a valuable lesson about the cruelty of hypocrisy? If there was no Latrell Sprewell, who would keep those highly unmanageable coaches in line? If there was no Barry Bonds, who would break the records of your more talented, more honest, more drug-free ball players of years gone by? If there was no Madonna, who would show us that even famous people can succumb to the vicious, relentless ravages of Time? If there was no Michael Moore, who would remind us that George W. Bush makes a lousy president? If there was no St. Bretticus Favre of the Bay of Green, who would repopulate Door County after its portly citizenry committed suicide en masse through excessive bratwurst ingestion? If there was no Jessica Biel, who the hell would bother watching reruns of that miserable load of bonobo shit, "Seventh Heaven?"

As you can see, not only do celebrities provide an indispensable way to distract us from the futility of our middle-class lives, they also provide invaluable fodder to those of us who happen to be snide, embittered social commentators. And who would want to live in a world without cynical social commentators?

Put your hands down.

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WORLD DISASTER OF MONUMENTAL PROPORTIONS OCCURS VERY FAR AWAY FROM WHERE YOU LIVE. PEOPLE UNAFFECTED EXPRESS SORROW, SHOCK, AND SYMPATHY, BUT SOMEHOW MUSTER UP STRENGTH TO CATCH SEASON FINALE OF "AMERICAN IDOL."

When disaster strikes, the compassion and altruism of the American people shines through. I hope those homeless kids in that state or country that was hit by a tsunami/hurricane/earthquake/mass genocide/genetically-mutated reptilian insectoid/Britney Spears tour really appreciated the boxes of used clothing, secondhand blankets, cans of creamed corn, and battered copies of The Da Vinci Code that we were generous enough to loan them as they struggled through their crisis of temporary interest to the global community.

Yes, I said "loaned them." I mean, I'm getting my Dan Brown book back, right? I need to reread it before the movie comes out. Christ, I don't even remember if Michelangelo ended up solving the code or not! The story was that damned forgettable! No, no, no, don't tell me what happens, goddamnit! I want my book back! I can't watch Tom Hanks play Jesus Christ if I can't bitch about how far the movie strays from the novel! And think of all the protests I have lined up for when the film is released! I think I'd better have a damned good idea what my panties are in a wad about before I start throwing newborn babies at the walls of the cineplexes in disgust! ... Oh, you've got one. Can I borrow it? Yeah, I'll give it back. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Where was I? Ah, yes. Nature is a powerful, violent, surprisingly repetitive force which easily destroys land, homes, lives, and dreams in one swift, unsympathetic moment. And we, the poor on-lookers forced to watch the horror unfold from the safety of our plush sofas inside our sturdy homes many miles away, can only ask, "Why? Why them, Lord, not that I don't appreciate you leaving me out of it, but why? Those poor, poor people of other ethnicities! Why? Why?"

As far as I'm concerned, the answer is simple, really. God hated them. But, uh, I wouldn't get too cozy. He knows where you live, too. And He's gunnin' for ya.

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ANOTHER PERFECTLY NORMAL BARNYARD ANIMAL DEVELOPS LETHAL MUTANT STRAIN OF EXISTING DISEASE. THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS DIE, BUT NO HUMANS. THAT COMES LATER.

Oh my God! Oh my God!! OH MY GOD!!! It's here! The horrible pandemic we've all been fearing, it's finally here! To wipe us out! To check our unchecked population! God and Mother Nature have conspired to thin out the ranks and cull the herd and finish off the chickens! Oh my God, what will we do? WHAT WILL WE DO???

Holy mother-sucking crap, this is just like that anthrax scare we lived through! And that SARS scare we lived through! And that mad cow disease scare we lived through! And that flu shot shortage scare we lived through!

My sole consolation in this time of death, decay, and looming hominid extinction is the comforting fact that the media has not taken it upon themselves to blow this issue into cosmic, panic-causing proportions simply for the sake of ratings. Thankfully, our news sources are there to provide us with solid information and salient facts, not to whip us into needless mass hysteria. As a species, we skittish humans are all just one step away from sheep interbred with lemmings, right? So I'm glad to see that no graphic special reenactments on news magazine shows; or sensational, opportunistic TV-movies; or intense interviews with doomsaying, bespectacled experts have been 'infecting' my television set of late. I mean, really, that would just create an atmosphere of baseless anxiety, paranoia, and fear in exchange for a slightly higher rung on the Nielsen's ladder, and that just isn't a far trade, you know? Luckily, the United States of America is renowned for its responsible journalists and discerning public.

Now, I just hope they'll keep us informed about the next Ice Age that's due any minute now. Or was it an asteroid?

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*folds up Internet news site and sets it aside, drains beer, burps, scratches self, burps*

Ahhh, there are few things more informative, useful, and relaxing than catching up on the local and world news. I may have to start making this a daily habit. As you can see, the news changes quite drastically from day-to-day.

In closing, it will serve me damn right if I get the bird flu now. And it will be all Bush's fault.

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COOL THING I SAW THE OTHER DAY: While driving to get a haircut (scheduled maintenance of his lush locks is a must for T.C.I.), I saw two crows harrassing a larger bird of prey, perhaps a red-tailed or sparrow hawk. Which is weird, because although crows are instinctively antagonistic towards owls, they don't tend to be stupid enough to piss off raptors (not that attacking owls exactly earns them a Mensa membership card, either). And especially not with a pathetic "flock" consisting of precisely two members. They took turns divebombing the bigger bird, and it wasn't even carrying a tasty dead critter to filch.

The whole bizarre affair ended abruptly when a bald eagle flew out from a nearby forest and took ahold of both crows with each of its talons and snapped their necks, then proceeded to drive the hawk into the side of a barn. The eagle then went into cardiac arrest and landed on a school bus full of kindergartners, which immediately crashed into a graveyard packed with mourners and burst into flames.

Just kidding. But I did see a goose fly by.

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What happen to the comments? IS someone being bad?

Anyway, how's it going?

Sgt Mellors

2:17 PM  
Blogger Nicolas said...

I stumbled across your blog by chance, and must say that I laughed quite hysterically at this post. You have a pleasant writing style and an admirable outlook on things. Keep it up!

11:07 PM  
Blogger Chuckles O'Plenty said...

Hmm. My outlook on things has been described with many words, but not one has ever sounded remotely like "admirable." Thanks.

11:17 PM  

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