Monday, September 04, 2006

So T.C.I. is proud to announce the very first official...


... wait for it ....


Mild and half-hearted congratulations are in order for T.C.I. Institute's very own ............

Sgt. Mellors!

*pause for confused murmuring, some yawns, sounds of people leaving the room*

Now, please enjoy a brief, unauthorized bio of our honoree.

Name: Sgt. Mellors

Real Name: Rear Admiral Bob Turdberger III

No, seriously, dick: Classified

Age: Mid-to-high double digits.

Race: Second to last place

Gender: Classified

Likes: Listing his dislikes; the feel of cotton; a clean, firm loaf-pinching

Dislikes: Listing his likes; the Dutch; being fooled by those false "eyes" on the wings of moths

Proud card-carrying member of: The Committee to Oversee the Extinction of the Common Snipe (COTECS)

Favorite color: Sienna (medium rare)

Favorite movie: Proper Maintenance for Your Xerox Copycentre C2000 Series

Favorite animal: The llomama (correctly pronounced in the Spanish tongue as yo-MA-ma), a very heavyset relative of the llama. Fun to ride, but very costly to feed.

'Cause she so fat!

Ooooooo! No way, dawg! No way! Oh, no I di'int!

Muppet he reminds me of: Bert

Thinks my new headshot... : "... looks fine."

How I know him: We appeared in public as a tweed-wearing rogue who makes out with his "sister" and a laidback Cockney bobby, respectively. We were also in a play together.

Hobbies: Eating at regularly-spaced intervals throughout the day; coughing during movies; very quietly insulting the hard-of-hearing; petting things

Ultimate goal in life: To convince the peoples of the British Isles to stop mis-pronouncing and -spelling the word "aluminum."

Immediate goal in life: To enter a Victoria's Secret store without giggling

Would you like to be the next "Cynickite of the Month or Quarter or Whenever the Hell I Feel Like It?"

What the fuck is the matter with you?

In any case, here are the requirements to be considered for this entirely unrewarding privilege*:

* Believe it or not, I'm serious here. I plan on making this a regular feature of So... And you will learn to embrace it without dissent, as you do all of my arbitrary whims.

1.) You must send me an email (using the email link on my profile page, fittingly enough) expressing your interest. Actually, your interest is of absolutely no consequence to me. Just include a relatively recent photo of yourself so I can sketch a scathing caricature that is guaranteed to make you whimper, "Whu --? I don't look like that! ... Do I?" Enjoy your plastic surgery bills and lifetime of crippling self-consciousness, you gorgonesque walking landfill.

If my request for a picture of you seems a little -- oh, what's the word I'm looking for? -- creepy, then just tell me if you have boy parts or girl parts. That should narrow the field down some.

Also, because I'm fully aware of how difficult it is for the average Earth-trudger to go one minute without talking about him or herself, feel free to include some basic information about the enigma that is you.

Not that it will matter. I'll write whatever the hell I feel like anyway.

2.) You must have contributed at least one (1) (!) comment to an article -- any article -- on So... Such as, oh, say, this article.


*rubs temples; talks in slow, measured tones as though addressing an especially stupid child* All right, well, then, follow the shining example of our first inductee, Sgt. Mellors, and post a comment using the Anonymous option. And make sure to "sign" your unproductive ramblings with your screen name of choice (or, hell, your real name, if you possess zero creative juices).

3.) You must possess a sense of humor at a vestigial stage or higher. If you take offense easily, well, frankly, I've got to say I'm a little surprised you made it this far, junior.

4.) Do you enjoy the comic antics of actress Kirstie Alley?

Get out. No, seriously, get the hell out of here. I can't -- I just -- I mean, really, you should know better by now. Jesus.


So, that's all there is to it. Now, get postin'! The next Special Cynickite might be YOU!

In closing, I hope you enjoyed the first and last installment of this feature.

Well, T.C.I. has some sad news for his loyal constituents. Due to fully-foreseen events, my cruel mockery of a life will get very busy over the next two months, what with work, avoidance of work, and a hefty, kickass role(s) in my first professional* play in the Milwaukee area (more on that in a future "Shameless Self-promotion" piece). I also need to start refocusing my energy on my playwriting and stop wasting my cleverness, or vain attempts at such, on you voracious lot of literary tapeworms.

* yes, occasionally in the theatrical field -- if you're very, very lucky -- people will actually compensate you for your time and talent.

Therefore, my installments may be spaced out at maddeningly longer intervals than you're generally accustomed to.

*pause for gasps of shock and dismay, uncontrolled weeping, various suicide attempts as people's worlds crumble about them, polite coughing*

Yes, yes, thank you. And the fact that you're accustomed to my relatively consistent bi-weekly deadlines says a lot about my character, my integrity, my loyalty to my microscopic fanbase, and my distressing lack of purpose on this rapidly-rotating clump of celestial droppings.

If all goes well (or, more accurately, doesn't), expect me to resume my regular spewings of precisely-aimed vitriol sometime before or around the holiday season.

Because I fully intend to have plenty to bitch about by then.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW! I am almost speechless. I'm completely underwhelmed by this mediocre award.

(What's this for again? Who the hell nominated me? That pricks going to die when I see him again)

To be the first of I'm sure such an elite group of beings to be presented with this award.

(Damn, I'm going to have to move again. How can I face my neighbors now?)

I would like to thank no one in particular. Ever.

(I'm probably going to have to change my name. Go into the witness protection group. WHAT WAS I THINKING?)

In closing, Thank you. (I'm going to get you back you bastard)

Sgt Mellors

12:47 PM  
Blogger Dakota said...

I'll be honest with you: I can't believe that I, I who (let's be perfectly honest here) cajoled you into changing your profile picture from actual-photo to fish-montage, was not chosen as the first Cynickite of the month.

I further cannot believe that I just used the word "cynickite," a word I detest, in a sentence.

In related news, I'm no longer in Pakistan, and this much I can tell you about America: holy cow. It's REALLY nice here!

Enjoy your day and good luck with the playwriting.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Chuckles O'Plenty said...

Sgt. Mellors –- your moving acceptance speech has set a nickel standard by which all future Cynickite of the Whenever winners shall be measured against.

And thank you for having a sense of humor. This country is experiencing an alarming shortage as of late.

Dakota –- "Cynickite" is a cherished part of the vernacular on this side of the pond. Learn to embrace it or go back to Kerzblykystan.

And I don't know that not being chosen as the inaugural recipient of the Cynickite Award is anything to be especially bummed about. But keep at it and maybe someday you, too, will earn a title that means absolutely nothing to anyone!

3:33 PM  
Blogger Behnnie said...

wake me when you get to someone i know...

so when does this play of yours happen? is alexis the sm?

she said she was talking with you recently... at a rehearsal or an audition or some such... who knows. i said some very nice things about you as it did not seem that she was acquainted with you well enough yet to know better. just doing what i can to try to get people to like you.

10:13 PM  

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