Monday, November 06, 2006

So I've been enjoying a wide array of colorful and informative political ads while watching reruns of "Scrubs" lately...

... and it suddenly occurred to me: "Oh, yeah. Tuesday is the day I exercise my right not to vote."

Yes, you heard me. Or read me, whatever. I am a proud and unflinching member of that most despised of apathetic Americans: the Parasite of Democracy. The Parasite of Democracy refuses to exercise the individual freedoms people have apparently died to supply him with, choosing instead to feast quietly off the scraps left by the bloated living carcass of American Politics that will simply do whatever the sweet merry fuck it feels like anyway.

If you don't mind -- and you don't -- I'd like to take this time to present the candidates of each major political party who will be coming soon to an election near you.

And remember, folks, YOU MUST VOTE. YOU MUST. YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST. MUST, MUST, MUST. Elsewise, our fair nation will be overrun by a thousand tyrants-in-miniature, each grasping for as much money and power and prestige as they can amass until the entire country grinds to a halt, slathered in bureaucratic red tape as our once-proud empire slowly caves in upon itself.

Also, if you don't vote, you won't get to be one of those self-satisfied back-patters who goes around telling people you voted with the arrogance of one who has just, say, solved the problem of world hunger, or a Rubik's cube without moving the stickers around.



Appearance: Incredibly white; thinning gray hair; glasses; old enough to recall fond memories of redbaiting with "Crazypantz" Joe McCarthy (as he was known back in the day); red tie; control panel on lower back.

Loves: His money; The Bible (King James version only); the use of science and technology solely for the purpose of creating more weapons with which to kill other inhabitants of the planet; the PAX channel; picketing the march of intellectual progress; black-and-white sitcoms from the 50's; any furniture instructions that include the direction "Insert Tab A into Slot B"... cause that's the way God and the O'Sullivan desk manufacturers intended it, dagnabbit!; interns.

Hates: The fact that you're enjoying Life; dinosaurs that weren't Ark-sanctioned; the "X" in "Xmas;" the complete filmography of Michael Moore; any combination of colors that may result in a rainbow; Harry Potter; fancy book-learnin'; any stretch of earth selfishly concealing mounds upon mounds of sweet, glorious fossil fuels (obtained strictly from the remains of Ark-sanctioned dinosaurs, naturally); mass transit systems; that dark-skinned young couple who just moved into the neighborhood; glaciers.

His party's real agenda: To drain this pitiful world of its valuable resources before moving on to the next host planet.

Who votes for these guys?: Those jocks and princesses you hated in high school

Odds of winning: 50%, unless his opponent is deceased, in which case his odds drop to 0%.

Is actually: Satan.


Appearance: Tall (sometimes freakishly so); full head of metrosexual-approved hair; good-looking in a bland, non-threatening, trusted-local-newscaster kind of way; eerie perma-grin; blue tie; generally white, though occasionally comes in darker shades; may possess vagina

Loves: Your money; athletic and persistent immigrants; hypocritical celebrities who have as much disposable income as they do loud, unsolicited opinions; endangered insects more than your children; comedy-dramas created by Aaron Sorkin; apologizing to people he's never known for things he never did for closure he doesn't need; blaming society; handing out second chances like so much candy corn -- along with third chances, and fourth ones, and fifth ones... ; seeing that society's fallen get a fresh new start... in that little house right across from your son's favorite playground; interns.

Hates: Accountability; managers who expect union members to work on consecutive days; movies where the bad guy dies; all SUV's, expect for the three currently parked in the garages of each of his vacation homes; any word used to describe any individual in any way, whatsoever; leaving an ass unkissed; healthy white males who engage in intercourse with healthy white females while holding down steady jobs; cannibas-free brownies; living amongst the filthy urbanites he champions; convenience.

His party's real agenda: To keep the Republicans in power.

Who votes for these guys?: Those deliberately non-conforming conformist/beatniks you hated who ran the school paper.

Odds of winning: 50%, unless he is deceased, in which case his widow can start decorating the Governor's Mansion immediately.

Is actually: Voting Republican.


Appearance: Good Lord, it's anybody's guess: tall, fat, bald, hairy, short, skinny, creepy, dopey, sleepy, happy, haggy, craggy, brawny, scrawny, tawny; memorable in the way that a Lewis Carroll creation or, say, a UFO is memorable.

Loves: Fence-straddling; hemming; hawing; keeping his options open; considering all possible angles; thinking things over; going into it with an open mind; trying something completely different, but ultimately the same; interns.

Hates: Republicans; Democrats; taking a stance on abortion; running for office.

His party's real agenda: Ideas welcome, apply within.

Who votes for these guys?: No one, apparently.

Odds of winning: 0%, regardless of the life status of his opponents (this rule not applicable in Minnesota).

Is actually: A figment of your imagination.


Appearance: Dangerously emaciated thanks to an unaturally herbivorous diet; may actually possess fronds and a root system.

Loves: The planet.

Hates: You. Filthy meatsack.

His party's real agenda: To siphon off precious votes from the Democratic Candidate.

Who votes for these guys?: Very dumb Democrats.

Odds of winning: 0%. Even given a nuclear holocaust in which all life was decimated with the exception of a Green Party candidate and a piece of radioactive driftwood, the electoral college would still hand the presidency to the driftwood.*

Is actually: Made of soy.

* Vote Radioactive Driftwood in 2012!


Appearance: For all intents and purposes, appears to be a perfectly normal human being... except for that bright glint in his eye, which may indicate either idealistic hope or the sudden urge to sever your jugular with his canines.

Loves: Being armed; the freedom to live as he chooses... in a secretive, heavily-fortified compound away from the rest of civilization; emptying his rifle into your chest if you inadvertently step in his tomato patch

Hates: The very government he is currently trying to become a part of; rules and regulations; calm, open, healthy discourse free of raised voices or gunfire; the whites of your eyes; sanity.

His party's real agenda: None of your goddamned business.

Who votes for these guys?: The home-schooled kids you hated in high school.

Odds of winning: 0%, unless everyone else is dead. And that can be arranged...

Is actually: Perched on top of the belltower in the town square as you read this.


So there you go. Winners, every one. Except four of them.

Enjoy performing your civic duty, my easily-pressured cynickites. It's what MTV would want you to do. Oh, and I hear there's a sticker in it for ya, too. Let it not be said that our government doesn't take care of its own.

And hey, at least the colossally outdated and insultingly unnecessary electoral college won't be fucking up these elections. That's for 2008!

In closing, yes, I fully plan on welcoming our new overlord after my refusal to vote results in a fascist dictatorial regime known as The Conglomerated Former Unified Territories of the Mid-North American Region. All hail the beloved Chancellor!

I have a busy day of not voting ahead of me tomorrow, so no secondary entry this time, kids.

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Blogger Dakota said...

You're a fool.

The rest of us vote not out of some civic dedication or because MTV wants us to. We vote for one single reason: we want classic unchanged-since-the-1940s "I Voted" sticker, complete with box-checking pencil in flagrante delicto.

It goes without saying that the sticker then allows s to go to bars and hit on people. "Oh, you voted too?!" And suddenly, conversation is effortless.

China: no voting, no hitting on people. I'll be dying alone.

2:48 AM  
Blogger Chuckles O'Plenty said...

Something tells me that a gay bar in the decidedly non-flamboyant nation of China must be one of the saddest sights known to Man...

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's an election today? I didn't know that. How come nobody let me know? I didn't get that memo.

Sgt Mellors

1:41 PM  
Blogger Chuckles O'Plenty said...

Ironically, the election is being held to vote for the position of Sergeant of My Blog.

I'm tallying the votes right now and in spite of there not actually being any, things don't look good for you, my friend...

5:15 PM  
Blogger hucklebuck said...

"emptying his rifle into your chest if you inadvertently step in his tomato patch" - I bursted into laughter in the middle of a phone call at work because of that line. Good times.

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Vote for Pleasure" with the Pansexual Peace Party which I did not just make up for the purpose of this comment.

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Way to go. You actually picked the winner. I think all of those people got elected.

I also was told that I am supposed to comment of these so here it is.


9:22 PM  

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