Friday, December 29, 2006

So Baby New Year is all geared up to slit the throat of Old Man 'Member-When...

... and I believe a certain blogger with a distractingly cute butt promised his constituents some predictions for 2007, all of which are destined to be borne out ...

... in some glorious, glorious dimension in which I am ruler of all life forms and "The King of Queens" never made it onto a single Fall lineup. Not even once.

Here, then, for your non-reciprocal, work-avoiding pleasure, are ..............

T.C.I.'s BANNER HEADLINES FOR THE YEAR 2007 A.D.D.


PRESIDENT BUSH DISAGREES WITH OWN POLICIES, HAS SELF ASSASSINATED

GLACIERS DISAPPEAR, REPLACED WITH BILLBOARDS ADVERTISING "The New Hummer 3.41 -- This Time, Nature, it's Personal"

DEMOCRATIC CONGRESS RAISES TAXES ACROSS BOARD TO ENSURE HIGHER QUALITY OF LIFE FOR ALL. POTHOLES IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE CONTINUE TO GO UNFILLED.

ATTRACTIVE, HIGH-POWERED CELEBRITY COUPLE GETS ENGAGED, MARRIED, REALITY TV DEAL, SEPARATED, DIVORCED

HUMAN POPULATION EXPLODES, OTHER POPULATIONS REJOICE (look, you gotta grant me one groaner)

REV. AL SHARPTON VOWS TO KEEP MOUTH SHUT IN PROTEST OF SOMETHING. PROPERTY VALUE OF PLANET RISES EXPONENTIALLY FOR FOLLOWING 3 MINUTES AND 7 SECONDS.

V.P. CHENEY SELLS EARTH TO HOME PLANET IN EXCHANGE FOR COLORFUL BEADS, LIFETIME SUBSCRIPTION TO "CAT FANCY"

FAMOUS PRO ATHLETE KILLS 8, BEATS WIFE INTO COMA, CRIPPLES PUPPY, AND FIREBOMBS ORPHANAGE. JUSTICE SYSTEM KINDLY SUGGESTS HE NOT DO IT AGAIN.

JERRY FALWELL'S PSEUDO-SCIENTISTS PRESENT INCONTROVERTIBLE EVIDENCE SUPPORTING FLAT EARTH THEORY, CALL IT 'BRILLIANT ARCHITECTURAL PLANNING.' KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD IMMEDIATELY BURNS ALL MAGELLAN BIOGRAPHIES, GLOBES, 3-D MOVIES

WORLD GOVERNMENTS APPROVE NEON ADVERTISING IN NIGHT-TIME SKY. REST OF UNIVERSE INFORMS EARTH THEY'VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF US.

HARRY POTTER DIES. HA, HA.

DINOSAURS FINALLY CLONED, EAT PEOPLE. SCIENTISTS WONDER WHY THEY CLONED DINOSAURS IN FIRST PLACE. In related news... T.C.I. FINALLY HAPPY, UNIVERSE COLLAPSES.
____________________________________________________________

That was fun and laziness-conducive. I may add more in the new year should the mood strike me.

In closing, the Kansas School Board thinks Magellan is a cushioned shoe insert.
____________________________________________________________

T.C.I.'s Blog Year-in-Review

Well, it's been over a year since I started this highly-embittered record of my hates, dislikes, and deprecating recollections of TV shows I loved as a child, so I thought I'd cap it off with a few highlights and low points that seemed memorable at the time.

BITTEREST MONTH: April, hands down. The poor Milwaukee County Zoo in particular took quite a beating. I could blame this on the inexplicable disintegration of a friendship that occurred at the time, but I choose instead to simply regard April as HISTORY'S WORST MONTH... EVER. I offer, for your consideration:

Hitler's birthday (April 20)
The Columbine High School massacre (April 20)
The sinking of the RMS Titanic (April 14/15)
The Civil War (April 1861 - April 1865)
President Lincoln's assassination (April 14)
Martin Luther King, Jr.'s assassination (April 4)
The Oklahoma City bombing (April 19)
The Chernobyl "goof-up" (April 26)
The Rodney King verdict L.A. riots (April 29)
My sister's birthday (April something)

MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENTRY: Follow the link above to the article dated April 23. I certainly made no friends with friends of the teachers' union that day. Again, I primarily blame the month of April.

And the teachers' union, for sucking urine-soaked golfballs.

LEAST POPULAR ENTRY: Judging by the complete absence of comments on this article, apparently nobody here was an "Alias" fan. Good for you.

MOST POPULAR TOPICS/REGULAR FEATURES: You rascals seemed to enjoy anything regarding vitriolic movie trailer reviews, nostalgic remembrances of TV shows past, and my exciting adventures in ............ THE FISH LAB!

I imagine that last bit with cool, dramatic orchestrations behind it. You can imagine whatever the hell you damn well feel like.

TOTAL NUMBER OF HOT FEMALE ADMIRERS MY BLOGGING HAS NETTED ME: 0

TOTAL NUMBER OF GAY OVERSEAS ADMIRERS MY BLOGGING HAS NETTED ME: 1

ODDS I'LL EVER BOTHER TO EXPLAIN WHY THE WORD "IDEALIST" IS IN MY BLOG'S DOMAIN NAME TO BEGIN WITH: Worse than the odds of a UFO piloted by Elvis landing on the Loch Ness monster while it's on vacation in Atlantis.

That is to say, Not Good.

HAPPIEST MONTH: What is this, your first time here?

Well, there you have it. One year and counting for The Cynical Idealist. Here's to a few more years of unrestrained, blood pressure-inflating misanthropy... before my death by self-induced heart attack.
_________________________________________________________

T.C.I. CATCHES YOU UP ON: The CW network's "ONE TREE HILL"

Brooding-Airburshed-Pretty-Boy, torn for seasons over whether he loves Hot-Bitchy-Girl or Notably-Less-Hot-Emo-Girl, finally chooses the latter, then promptly keels over from a heart condition. As if this wasn't bad enough for NLHEG, her brother, Somehow-Entirely-Different-Race-From-His-Sister-Marine, left for another tour of duty.

BAPB's brother, Unattractive-Wooden-Legitimately-Conceived-Guy, almost threw The Big Game to make good with Weird-Looking-Moneylender-Thug, but luckily came to his senses in the second half and helped his team to victory. This greatly pleased Bald-Coach-Who-Can-Actually-Act. Unfortunately, UWLCG's joy was short-lived as WLMT proceeded to run down UWLCG's wife, Impossibly-Gorgeous-Pregnant-Smart-Girl.

In a sub(par)plot, Not-Hot-Slutty-Redhead-Who-Makes-Trouble-For-No-Discernable-Reason decides to help HBG pass Calculus by cheating. Interestingly, HBG had no clue she was failing said subject until shown a copy of her transcript. Which NHSRWMTFNDR apparently carries about on her person.

BAPB's mother, Actress-Who-Hasn't-Aged-Well-At-All, checked UWLCG's mother, Actress-Who-Has-Definitely-Aged-Well, into rehab. Then AWHAWAA went on a "date" with the show's irredeemable villain, Smarmy-Slimy-Asshole-Man, even though the man has done absolutely nothing positive during the entire show's run (saving BAPB's life that one time definitely does not count). In fact, the writers, having -- temporarily, I'm sure -- stalled on plot ideas, have decided to turn SSAM into a repentant good guy by letting him willingly take the fall for UWLCG's non-murder of WLMT, who died when his car crashed of his own volition. Don't ask.

Thing is, SSAM recently shot his brother, Beady-Eyed-Good-Guy, in cold blood during a high school "massacre." No one knows this yet, but I imagine AWHAWAA will be far less inclined to attend award ceremonies with SSAM after learning he happened to plug her fiance, BEGG, in the chest with a Saturday Night Special.

Meanwhile, Heavensent-Hispanic-Goddess-Who-Still-Haunts-My-Dreams-At-Nights was unconvincingly revealed to be a lesbian a few seasons back and got summarily shipped off to wherever it is lesbians get shipped off to.

Cleveland, I imagine.

Labels: , , ,

6 Comments:

Blogger Quietly said...

I hear they don't much fancy window coverings in Cleveland. That's just... what I hear...

9:35 PM  
Blogger Dakota said...

I can't help but think that you're misguided in believing that I'm your only gay overseas admirer. You've got the sort of snappy prose style that really appeals to people who are big into hot man-on-man action.

I've spent quite a bit of time publicizing your blog here amongst the heterosexually-challanged -- most of them tragically don't so much speak the English, though, so there's probably hasn't been the spike in readership you might be hoping for. Maybe in 2007.

Keep up the good work.
--Dak.

6:14 AM  
Blogger Chuckles O'Plenty said...

Something tells me that not understanding English might actually increase one's enjoyment of my blog.

I also wasn't aware that anyone gave two rips about prose -- snappiness notwithstanding -- during person-on-person action, hot, tepid, or otherwise. How literary of you.

10:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, We definitely need more stories from the fish lab.

Sgt Mellors

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do know that there are a couple of Hot Female Admirers of your blog. They don't want you to know that they are admirers though because that might make you happy and thus reduce the quality of the blog entries. They think it is better when you are frustrated and annoyed.

Jim

P.S. I am telling you this because now you will know there are Hot Women who read your blog but will be frustrated because you won't know who they are.

10:09 AM  
Blogger Chuckles O'Plenty said...

Anonymous Jim, something tells me you're going to make a fine addition to the Comments section of this blog...

...you asshole.

12:00 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home